Everything I Learned About Not Getting Hospitalized or Scammed in Bali

Most travel blogs will tell you to watch out for the monkeys at Uluwatu. They’ll say the monkeys steal sunglasses. They do. It’s annoying. But a monkey taking your Ray-Bans isn’t going to ruin your life. What will ruin your life is the 19-year-old from Melbourne who has never ridden a bike in his life trying to navigate a gravel turn in Canggu on a Yamaha Nmax. That, or a bad batch of arak.

The scooter situation is a nightmare (and I’m part of the problem)

I used to think I was invincible on a bike. I grew up riding dirt bikes in the woods, so I figured Bali traffic would be easy. I was completely wrong. In August 2019, I was headed down Jalan Batu Bolong around 4:00 PM. The sun was hitting that gold-orange haze where you can’t see anything, and I tried to make a quick U-turn on a patch of loose sand near the shortcut. My back tire slipped, the bike went down, and my right calf pressed directly against the exhaust pipe.

It didn’t even hurt at first. It just smelled like burnt bacon. That’s the “Bali Tattoo.” I spent the next three weeks hobbling around with a third-degree burn that leaked through bandages every two hours. It cost me $450 in clinic visits because I didn’t want it to turn gangrenous in the humidity. If you haven’t ridden a scooter before, do not—and I mean this—do not make Bali your practice ground. The traffic flows like a river of liquid chaos. There are no rules, only vibes and horns.

If you absolutely must ride, wear a helmet. A real one. Not those plastic cereal bowls the rental guys give you. Go buy a proper seasonal helmet at a shop for $30. It’s cheaper than a skull reconstruction. Also, get an International Driving Permit. The police will pull you over specifically because you look like a tourist, and if you don’t have that little paper booklet, you’re paying a “fine” on the spot. Usually about 200,000 IDR ($13), but it depends on how nice your watch looks.

Money, ATMs, and the Blue Bird obsession

I know people will disagree with me on this, but I refuse to use the official Blue Bird MyBlueBird app. Everyone says it’s the gold standard for safety, but the interface is garbage and half the time the drivers ignore the GPS anyway. I stick to Grab or Gojek. They are ruthless about their ratings, and the prices are locked in.

Regarding cash: skimmers are everywhere. I did a little informal experiment last November where I checked the card slots of 20 different ATMs in Seminyak and Kerobokan. Four of them felt loose or had weird residue around the edges. 20% is a terrifying failure rate.

• Only use ATMs inside an actual bank lobby with a security guard.
• Cover your hand when you type the PIN. Seriously.
• Use a travel card like Wise or Revolut and keep the “physical card” locked in the app until you’re standing at the machine.

Total lifesaver. Never had a cent stolen since I started doing that.

The part nobody talks about: The “Spiritual” Safety Hazard

This is going to sound mean, but the most dangerous people in Bali aren’t the locals. They’re the Westerners who have been in Ubud for three weeks and think they’ve achieved enlightenment. I call them the “Safety Skeptics.” They’re the ones telling you that you don’t need a helmet because “the universe will protect you” or that you shouldn’t get a tetanus shot after a dog bite because “essential oils balance the toxins.”

I might be wrong about this, but I genuinely believe these people cause more harm than the actual scammers. They encourage tourists to take massive risks with their physical health. If a street dog nips you, go get the rabies shots. Rabies is 100% fatal once symptoms start. The universe doesn’t care about your aura when you have a virus liquefying your brain.

Pro tip: If someone starts a sentence with “Actually, the locals don’t worry about [safety thing],” they are usually trying to justify their own recklessness. Ignore them.

Bali Belly is mostly your fault

I’ve had it three times. Each time, I could trace it back to a specific moment of stupidity. Once was ice in a questionable bar in Kuta. Once was unwashed lettuce. The third time was just not washing my hands after handling a bunch of dirty 50,000 IDR notes. Money is filthy.

I tracked my stomach health over a 42-day stint last year. I took a high-dose probiotic (50 billion CFU) every morning. I ate at warungs, I drank the “fresh” juices, I did it all. I didn’t get sick once. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. It’s not about avoiding the food; it’s about prepping your gut for the battle.

Don’t bother with charcoal tabs once you’re already sick. They’re like trying to put out a forest fire with a squirt gun. Get the local stuff: Diapet. It’s a herbal brick that stops the plumbing immediately. You can buy it at any Indomaret for pennies. It works. Period.

A brief tangent about sunscreen

Anyway, while we’re talking about health, stop buying sunscreen in Bali. It’s insanely expensive—like $20 for a small bottle of Nivea—and half the time it’s been sitting in a hot warehouse for two years and the SPF is dead. I brought a bottle of Sun Bum from home that leaked all over my favorite linen shirt, which was devastating, but at least I didn’t look like a boiled lobster. The sun there is different. It’s heavy. It’s like a damp wool blanket of heat that eats your skin.

I’ve spent a lot of time complaining here, but I keep going back. I’ve spent probably six months total on the island over the last few years. There’s something about the smell of the morning incense mixed with clove cigarettes and scooter exhaust that just… it gets under your skin. You feel more alive there because the stakes are a little higher. You have to pay attention. You can’t just move through the world on autopilot like you do in a suburb in Ohio.

Is Bali still safe? Honestly, I don’t know. The infrastructure is buckling under the weight of too many people, and the “vibe” is shifting toward something more aggressive. But if you keep your wits about you and stop acting like the rules of physics don’t apply to you just because you’re on vacation, you’ll be fine.

Just watch out for the gravel turns. Seriously.